Bimbo Confession : FAT & HATING IT.

(any post under bimbo confession tags is meant to be dramatic, and overreacting)
.

It's official.

I have a belly of five months pregnant woman.

ARGHHHHHHH!!!

I honestly don't know how the hell it's even possible! I don't cook, so there's no way I could eat all the time except the bread and the nutella (darn you deliciously evil chocolate with nuts!).

But, before that I don't eat that much pun. Honestly, last Tuesday while I was accompanying my mom to buy her tudung in her friend's boutique, I went to weight myself by using the scale there and the result really make me scream. Literally. I did scream in the boutique unintentionally.

And now I feel like I have no love for myself.

I don't want to hate myself but I do.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm depressed.

If a genie appears in front of me right now, all I want to ask him is,

"I wanna lose another 10 kilos, and not gain a single gram for forever"

Seriously. And I know this is what all women wanted more than everything in the world. To be able to eat, and not gain a single gram.

I had enough with pep talk of telling me to be myself and be comfortable with what I really am. Honestly dude, you never know how is it to feel fat and fat. (I want to say ugly, but that's harsh, I don't consider myself ugly because I'm that vain)

When I walked in to mall, or boutique to buy clothes, they all looked good for someone with a figure of S-size lady. Or somewhat thin. The thin girls, they usually could wear and look good in every clothes they put on their body. But as for someone like me, nah, the clothes only look good in my imagination of my own perfect body, not my real body.

Before this, I only need to lose 2-3 kilos to have my ideal body. But now, I need to lose like 7-8 kilos to have that ideal body. YES, THAT'S HOW MUCH I HAVE GAINED.

I don't want to go to the diet phase again. It's impossible. I can't diet since I have gastric thanks to my previous diet program. I don't want to hurt my belly anymore, it was hurted enough.

And I'm afraid to do exercises because I don't believe myself would be able to sustain the program for long. it might lasted for a couple weeks and I believe I would put an end to the program myself. And we all know what would happen if you stop an exercise program abruptly. You would weight more than you'd ever weight before.

And that's definitely one of my nightmare.

But I am also refused to try any specific medication that is believed would help me lose weight. I refused to take in any harmful chemical substances that I don't even know what it's effects would be to my body. I love my body even I sounded like I don't.

Oh God, it seems like I need to accept my destiny. That I'm not destined to have the body that I wanted so much. That I would be trapped in this chubby figure that would lead to fatness forever.

Screw looking confident. I can't be confidence when all that I'm feeling is fat.

I wanna be able to wear my clothes. I have bought a few clothes that looked good on me during my 'weight reducing' days. I have a full blast confident and I was happy with myself and I love myself more than anything in the world.

But now, it's all history. I have to wear the same clothes for my every outing since the lovely clothes couldn't fit me anymore.

I want to wear my clothes. They are my clothes. I don't want them to just rot in the closet waiting for me to wear them.

I know this post is pointless, and my ranting sounds bimbo-ish but whatever, I need to let it out. I'm sad, and depressed, and I just want to lost weight.

I'm not aiming for being thin, I just want to lose 10 kilos of fat to have my perfect ideal body.

Oh okay now I feel like weeping around, wallow, and feel sorry for my unfortunate self.
.

ARGHHH ! I'm So Scared I Could Cry When I'm Eating 2

Told you tak sampai berapa saat aku post kata I hope THE BLOG that I LOVE tu tak tutup or delete or private kan and tadi I checked, it's already been for the invited readers and it is already privatized ! Sedangkan tak sampai sejam pun I read her posts !! Oh, I dont know what to say -.-"

GRRRRR ! WHY OH WHYY ????

ZOMG, ini memang petanda that I have to study, benda-benda yang tak sepatutnya sudah pun tiada. Yeah, FB dah deactivate dah.

Good ! Oke bye.

.

ARGHHH ! I'm So Scared I Could Cry When I'm Eating.

I am scared shitless that I couldnt get my mind to think straight sebab I just calculated the days and I only have three weeks before final exam and this Monday I have a test which I dont have any idea apa benda yang aku belajar dalam kelas tuuuu and this Wednesday pun ada jugak test yang shitful scaryyyyyyyyy !!

Damn.

And Vector Calculus test marks is out and demmm I dont wanna know my marks I bet it's gonna be low as low as I dont know but I'm sure it would be super duper low. I'm scared !!!!!!

Oh, I dont know this semester is sooo scary, I mean academically it's like I dont even know a thing pun dalam kelas macam tak ada idea what the hell the lecturers are talking in front. Before the mid sem break macam bole go laaa but after that like totally lost damnnnn laaaaa !!!

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SCORE KALAU TAK PAHAM APA-APA ???? !!!

And my mom already bagi warning she said if my pointer shitload teruk nak mampos she's gonna tarik balik my car and I was like WOOARRGHH NOO ! Baru je nak jadi a good driver. Oh yeah, I have a car now after months and years of begging and buat muka kesian and sedih and macam mintak lempang whatsoever then baru I dapat a car. My car yang paling gedik yang ada tampal sticker 'CUTE AND MACHO BOYFRIEND INSIDE' tuuuu gehee. Bet my boyfriend would be proud as fuck, kan ?

Okey back to my problem, I dont know what Im studying for this semester. Thats why I am so scaredddd !! This is all due to my lazy ass to go to classes and the tutorials, yeah my bad my super duper bad for not going and my plagiarism in doing assignments oh man I wanna die right now damn laaa nape ni wehhhh ?????

Cukup tak nak study dalam masa tiga minggu ???? I am scared like serious hell, takut sangat ! Mannnnnnnnnn seramnya nak nangis !

So yeah, I think I wanna deactivate my facebook lah sebab even I dun update much and spend much time there but still stalking people is a shitloads of fun sebab tu laa banyak buang masaa from studying to stalking kann.

And and I just found a blog yang sangat best and cute and seronok dibaca and have a damn good super duper taste in music, I LIKE ! But sadly, I have to stop reading it for a while hope dia tak private or delete the blog sooner cause mesti aku akan meroyan sebab tak dapat nak carik and listen to the suggested bands and singers and songs. SOB !

Blogging, urm well I dont blog much now ey ? I dont have much idea la but I would update occasionally laaa even I know you wont bother (ayat pathetic sedih sial aku) but still.

GRRRRR FINAL EXAM ALWAYS SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME.

I want to write motivational words on my wall I have to study and score my final mannn I am afraid.

Okay I have to stop right now.

On the other notes, my selipar putus and I cant wear anything now I am so sad my life is miserable now I think I am the most pathetic girl in the world and now I found my self in a big trouble argh I am so stress right now I swear I could cry and do nothing. Grrr.

Okay I really need to stop right now. I want to study, and write motivational words and yeah bye people.

.

Kenapa saya tak boleh 'go' dengan sinetron dan drama leleh.

Firstly, heroin dia tu kalau baik, alahai~ baik nya melampau-lampau macam cuba tengok cerita Bella apa jadah entah yang dekat TV3 pukul 2 petang tu, konon-konon baik sangat lah kan sampai nak basuh baju tengah-tengah malam kau gedik apa dow nak basuh baju malam-malam macam subuh tu tak boleh basuh baju je saja je kan kau nak promo yang kau tu baik terlajak kan? Waktu petang tu kau buat apa? Tengahari pagi pukul 8 malam tu kau buat apa? Membuta? Tengok TV? Sibuk menangis? Sampai tengah-tengah malam baru nak basuh baju buat buat konon kau baik macam anak dara sejati ah sudah tak payah nak drama terlajak over menyampah dah lah suka buat kesian EEYYYY tak malu ke buat muka kesian? Suka sangat nak mintak simpati. Sepak kang.

And and lepas tu kalau balak ke, awek ke dalam cerita tu merajuk ke atau rasa macam terbuat salah ke mula lah menggelabah menggelupur sana sini nak mintak maaf konon sampai sanggup lah tunggu depan pagar rumah dalam hujan panas terik ribut taufan tak peduli walaupun ada H1N1 or babi merayau kat belakang atau anjing liar berkeliaran semua simply sebab nak tunjuk kau tu tulus ikhlas mulus nak mintak maaf sebab rasa berdosa sangat lah. AHAH! Kalau kau buat dosa dengan Tuhan ada tak kau bersolat sujud atas tikar sejadah tu sampai lutut dengan dahi kau lebam? Tak ada kannnn? Cuba kau mengamuk dekat mak kau sebab mak kau masak terlebih pedas sampai kau termenangis sebab makan cili padi or kau bergaduh dengan mak kau sebab mak kau nak tengok cerita agama kat Oasis kau pulak kecoh nak tengok Merlin sebab ada Bradley James yang hensem yang buat kau berangan tak keruan siap rasa nak join Merlin walaupun sekadar dapat watak orang lalu lalang kat belakang pun dah oke ada kau rasa nak mintak maaf macam tu? Ada? Adaaa?? Kau jawab cepat.

Kalau orang jahat tu pulak, kalau fikir idea jahat tak pernahnya nak fikir dengan cara kool, mesti fikir overdose terlajak gileh nak mampos tak percaya cuba rewind balik semua cerita Indo yang kau orang follow macam Bawang Putih Bawang busuk Merah tu ke kan semua kalau fikir idea jahat depan ustaz ke, depan orang baik ke, depan orang-yang-they-supposed-to-nampak-baik-ke, semua fikir sampai berkerut kening or sengih sengih buat muka jahat. Relax la bhai kitorang tau kot watak lu jahat tapi tak payah lah tunjuk sampai kerut-kerut dow buruk dow and tak kan lah watak baik tu tak perasan yang watak kau tengah kerut macam tahan berak? Kool lah sikit bhai kalau nak pikir idea jahat sorang-sorang buat sengih macam tu tak apa lah ni kadang-kadang sampai depan kariah masjid pun kau boleh buat muka teran kau tu kan? Tak pahamm~.

Kalau korang konon-konon sentap and tak setuju tak percaya pergi tengok balik cerita-cerita ni especially sinetron lah kan memang tak boleh belah watak diorang memang over gileh like gileh punya over rasa macam nak tarik rambut atau gigit bantal sebab dia punya baik pembohong nauzubillah. Cerita Korea? Ahah! Tak berapa kamceng ah dengan Korea ni terbayang je klip video Super Junior yang "Sorry sorry sorry neken nekan jadahapekaucarutlagi" tuu macam gay dow geli tak suka tengok lelaki yang lagi cantik dari I. Ahah! Kalau Bradley James tak apa lahh nokk dia maskulin gila nak mati kut meroyan aku duk UTP ni tak boleh layan Merlin. Damn.

Dah lah, I nak study kata azam baru nak jadi rajin kan, ahah! (konon~) nanti kalau ada lagi saya sambung.

.

confession of a bimbo ; bimbo dari kecik!

waktu itu, saya dan rakan-rakan baru sahaja habis peperiksaan besar di sekolah agama kami. peperiksaan ini namanya PSRA [Penilaian Sekolah Rendah Agama]. PSRA ni sama je macam UPSR, cuma UPSR duniawi sikit, PSRA pulak, more to ukhrawi belajar Bahasa Arab, Fiqh, Akidah, Akhlaq, and Tajwid!

jadi, bagi pelajar-pelajar darjah enam yang sudah habis periksa, kami kena datang sekolah juga sebab sekolah ada balance beberapa hari lagi. lagipun, tak berapa lama lagi kami akan dapat tahu keputusan periksa PSRA kami tu dan memandangkan tahun hadapannya masing-masing akan masuk ke tingkatan satu dan mungkin tak akan berjumpa satu sama lain lagi, maka peluang untuk bermesra dan berkenalan haruslah digunakan dengan sebaik-baiknya.

saya tak berapa rapat sangat sebenarnya dengan rakan-rakan dalam kelas saya sebab kami berlainan sekolah pagi [sekolah kebangsaan] saya sekolah SKTK [sekolah rendah yang paling kecil dalam daerah tu tapi MELETOP!] dan mereka Sekolah Jalan Bomba. so, memang agak besar jurang sebab kami memang klik dengan geng-geng sekolah pagi masing-masing je.

tapi suatu hari tu, kami semua di kumpulkan di surau sekolah sebab kelas kami semua digunakan untuk peperiksaan akhir tahun budak-budak darjah lima hingga ke darjah satu. jadi bila duduk dalam surau tu, saya mula lah nak rapat dan berkenalan dengan rakan-rakan yang lain sebab klik-klik [kecik-kecik lagi dah pandai buat clan sendiri] saya tak datang sekolah.

saya memang rajin pergi sekolah sebab kalau ponteng nanti kena sebat dengan ayah huhu plus school is cool! [sebenarnya tengah pujuk hati]

saya pun merapatkan diri dengan seorang budak perempuan kelas saya yang sangat saya admire, dia ni pun ada klik jugak. tak tahu macam mana tiba-tiba je saya boleh rapat dengan mereka sedangkan sebelum ni just tegur senyum-senyum jeh =.="

Budak Perempuan 1 ; korang ada dengar IKIM tak?
Budak Perempuan 2 ; ada! aku suka! banyak lagu nasyid dalam tu.
Budak Perempuan yang Saya Minat ; betul. aku suka dengar lagu nasyid, sedap. lagi-lagi dari IN-TEAM.

[saya diam je sebab saya waktu tu cuma dengar ERA]

Budak Perempuan 3 ; lagu IN-TEAM, aku suka lagu Kasih Kekasih, sedap!
Budak Perempuan 2 ; tu bukan dah lama ke?
Budak Perempuan 3 ; tak apa lah, janji sedap.
Budak Perempuan yang Saya Minat ; korang pernah dengar lagu Ainul Mardhiah?
Budak perempuan 1 ; pernah! lagu tu sedap sangat, ada lirik dia tak?

[waktu nih saya ingat nak masuk line bagi tahu tajuk lagu yang saya suka pulak]

saya ; korang suka tak dengar lagu Mak Minah?

waktu tu tiba-tiba semua mata pandang ke arah saya, dan perbincangan kami sunyi seketika dari sebarang komen.

dan budak perempuan yang saya minat itu pun terdiam sama.



apa ke jadahnya orang tengah cerita pasal lagu nasyid kau pergi cerita pasal lagu Triple Noize, Mak Minah pulak nih Mira?


DAMN!


kecik-kecik lagi dah bimbo.


.