I always want to be a fighter. Not a fighter, like a rebel teenager, no, just a fighter, the person who fights to live. I want to live as a fighter, I want to be the person who fights for her own happiness, who fights for what she wants, fight for everything, everything that is right for her.
But, I'm not a fighter.
I'm more to a spectator. I watched. I don't do anything, I don't fight when I see people leaving, I don't fight when I lose control of the situation, but that does not mean I surrender, I just ... I just don't know what to do.
When everything is falling apart, I just hold to myself, I keep telling myself that God is there, God is with you, look around, but I keep falling. I am just not strong enough. I don't know what is wrong with me, I don't know what is the thing that make me sad, I don't know why I feel sad. Maybe this is the bipolarity talking, but seriously, what should I do ?
I really wish I am a fighter, I really hope I have my armor with me, I really hope I am strong enough to fight every unease feelings, I really really really want to.
It's true what Fithri Natasha wrote, I've pushed people away, I've built wall, now I'm trapped inside, hoping someday, I'd finally be the fighter who I wanna be, who really stands on her own feet, who fights for her own right, who knows her priorities, having the strongest heart, and could finally crashed the wall so I could see the rainbows again.
I hope that someday would come really soon.