I love taking time while doing my work. I don't believe in rushing cause I think it won't do you any good. The same goes in walking this journey called life. I'd love to feel all sorts of emotions (whether it's good or bad, happy or sad) and absorb it, be part of it. Even I am sometimes an egoistic person (I hate to admit this) but at times, I'd like to show my emotional self. And currently, I am somehow overwhelmed by the thoughts that it was all over exactly 30 days ago. Reading my previous lovey dovey posts, who'd have thought that it would be over this soon, right? When I thought I finally found the one, suddenly he's gone, and it's all over.
30 days. Wow. Time really flies fast.
And now, I'm overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by the thoughts that I've lose a person from my life for good. Someone whom once has been one of the closest person to me. Someone who used to be my Mr. Right. This is only part of the journey, part of the emotions I have to overcome. I believe there'd be a lot more emotions that I have to face - probably a lot of tears would be flowing, or maybe not. I don't know, I can't tell. And honestly, I don't want to miss a thing. I want to feel all the pain, the heartbreaks (let it stabs me or even tear me apart), the sadness, the lonely nights, the wondering thoughts, the if-only-moments, the flashbacks, everything. Every. Single. Things. I want to feel it. To know that in my heart that I can still feel all these mixed emotions. I am not built from steel, I still have feelings. Let me indulge myself with these emotions. After years and months of happiness, I think this somehow could be a wake up call.
Or even better, a therapy. A therapy for my sick heart.
This coming journey would be long. It would be a very long journey before I meet another person to give him the small portion of my heart that's still left. I want to enjoy this solo walk before I decide to find myself a company - if I found one. I've got a lot of repairing works to do. This heart needs some stitches, it needs a lot of painkiller, and maybe some anaesthetic to help it heal.
Well, I hope it will.
Meanwhile, I started to love this solo journey even sometimes there's time where loneliness kicks in and I'd fall to the ground gasping for some air and courage to continue the journey. I must admit that I fear for the future. For what it may brings to me, for the (pleasant and unpleasant) surprises. But life must go on. I must go on.
In fear, I'll walk this journey. I don't want to run, I don't want to hitch a ride. I just want to enjoy the surroundings, the emotions, the emptiness, the silence, and absorb everything and squeeze it out like a sponge. Leaving no baggage behind. Probably I'll meet some new people along the journey and make friends with them - or maybe not. And maybe, some familiar faces would pass by and we'll exchange smiles. There's a lot of possibilities in this journey.
Plus, I don't need to rush to my destination. It's my destination after all. Sooner or later, I'll be arriving there too. It's just the matter of time.
So, I opt to walk. And I'll walk this journey very, very slowly. And hopefully, I could make it to the destination as a better person.