Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Confession : Being Fat, Dark (and Ugly) Duckling

Okay, not many know bout this but when I was verryyyyyy young, I was fat and dark, and yeah big too.


Like I've always told my friends, "Aku dulu gemuk, besar dan hitam". And many do not believe it. Trust me when you guys see the pictures of me being fat dark and big korang mesti akan terkejut gilaa like,


"OHMYGOD gemuknyaaaa Nauzubillah !" or you guys would go like "Oh my ! Never thought ada orang segemuk dan segelap ituuuu !" and you would start praying you wouldn't be like me or have anyone related to you that looked like me. Seriously.


Okay, sebenarnya saja gedik gedik nak tulis pengalaman menjadi gemuk hitam dan besar because actually I've come across a few blogs laa yang complained about their looks and self-loathing yang dahsyat and how they hated their childhood sebab they were gemuk, big and hitam, like I've been before.


BUT !


I takde lah masalah self loathing ke sampai benci my childhood ke semuanya baek baek sahajaaaaa. Okay people, you know being GEMUK, HITAM, dan BESAR actually is a sin if you were a kid. Nahhh, not only when you were kid, when you da besar panjang jadi bakal bini orang pun it is still a sin.


People would call you names laaah, kutuk you this and that laaa calling you UGLY and stuffs and banyak lagi laaa. And sometimes, people would not bother to befriending with you just because you were GEMUK, HITAM dan BESAR.


To girls, nak carik boyfriend pun susah, so jadi low self esteem, and to guys, nak cari girlfriend pun susah, so jadi lah stalker je.


Okay, tipulah if I said there's no experience yang hampir buat I benci my childhood kan, adaaa banyakkkk torturing sebenarnya but on to of all, I've been teased dengan dahsyat by this one boy who was my classmates dulu, he called me, bontot kuali.


You see, BONTOT KUALI, yeahhh BONTOT oke, BONTOT KUALIIII !! bayangkan BETAPA HITAMNYA I sampai kena panggil as BONTOT KUALIII DULU ??!!! You go check any bontot kuali at your house then you would know BETAPA HITAMNYA I dulu.


And that was the worst penghinaan I've ever kena. Ahah ! You guys ingat I diam je ke ? Noo ! I wouldn't keep my mouth shut, this boy insulted me, so what did I do ? I kenakan dia balik laaaa because he wasnt perfect pun, dia pendek like pendek gilaaaaa and yeah, serve him right.


And this one time ada this one boy ejek I saying,


"Mira gemukk ! Mira gemukk !" (say this with annoying tones of mengejek the way kids always did.)


And I said back to him, "Biar lah aku gemuk, mak bapak aku bagi aku makanan sedap sedap bukan macam kau tak ada duit nak makan sedap sebab tu kau kurus kepeng macam tu je"

HAAAAA HAMEEEKKKKK KAAUUU SEKALI AKU KASIK SEDASSSS !

Okay that was wayy too rude, but he started first. I dont want to play victim I hate being the ones people always nak kenakan. I HAVE TO STAND UP for myself. You see, you must always stand up for yourselves , don't let people bullied you even for the reason like joking ke apa ke, kalau they make jokes on you, you make jokes on them back. Make it fair, OR BUAT JE MUKA FIERCE NANTI TAK ADA SIAPA NAK KACAU OR EJEK EJEK YOU ALLS,

OR, JUST BE BITCHY ALL THE WAYYYY SISTAH !

Okay, THE MOMENT OF TRUTH, mari tengok muka I zaman GEMUK HITAM DAN BESAR,






SEE, SCAAARRYYYY TAK ? HORROR KANN ? HAHAHA ! Okay, this is when I was fourteen, memang lah tak nampak GELAP, ke nampak GELAP jugak? I took this using my camera sebab my scanner tak boleh guna so the lighting was nice so nampak I cerah dalam ni but actually gelap gilaaa kau.

Ni lagi satu,

I also do not understand lah why I pose like this but I memang gelap padahal time tu baru lepas pakai bedak, see pakai bedak pun tetap nampak gelap macam apa je ni kalau tunjuk kat mak mak ni mampos jangan harap lah nak buat menantu kan, takut nanti keturunan muka menakutkan macam ni.


But, eventhough I was GEMUK, HITAM and BESAR, I never ada rasa self-concious ke, rasa macam OH-MY-GOD-kenapa-aku-hodoh-and-tak-macam-manusia-normal-lain that kinda thing because entah I still feel that I am pretty, and I am close to perfection, so even people call me GEMUK, HITAM, dan BESAR I always think they say it out of jealousy or sebab diorang takde kerja lain.


Tak pernah fikir that it was because I AM REALLY GEMUK HITAM DAN BESAR.


Self-esteem tinggi sangat kot, and maybe I was born as narcissist kan so tak peduli because I was too full with myself kan.


But one thing laa, I tau I gemuk sebab my size selalu besar gedabak kan, like XXL laa, XL laa, like HELLO ORANG KURUS TAK PAKAI SAIZ YANG ADA 'L' KAT BELAKANG OKE ? I narcistic tapi bukan live in denial.

Ha ! Gambar ni baru nampak betapa hitamnya I kan, tpi badan tak nampak gemuk sangat sebab baju tu gelaaap hehehe. See, betul tak I ni GEMUK, HITAM DAN BESAR, SEEEEEEE

AND THAT PEOPLE, IS THE PICTURE OF ME WAKTU I SIXTEEN YEARS OLD. Yeah bebeh, FIRGGIN SIXTEEN YEARS OLD and I sangaaaaaat gelap and besaaarrr gedabak macam tuu but self esteem tinggi babe, wa tak heran apa orang nak kataaaa siaaa.

So, what made me tiba tiba nak lose weight ? It is all because of my mum lah, she told me to buang sikit berat because that time takut I masuk National Service. She told me,


"Kakak, kau kuruskan la sikit badan kau tu, kang kau buat modul yang masuk dalam tayar tu kang kau tersekat dalam tayar tu siapa nak keluarkan kau ?"

And that makes me like Oh yeah she was right so I decided nak kuruskan badan and tell you what I kuruskan badan when I was in form five baru tergerak hati nak kurus sebelum ni tak kisah pun so memandangkan duduk kat hostel kan, so senanglah I just cut down food intake je tapi I makan every meals laa just kurang kuantiti je. I still makan every meals first because like, HELLO aku bayar yuran makan mahal mahal takkan tak nak makan kannn ? Then it is because mesti laa kena makan semua meals, baru lah balanced diet kan ?


AND IT WORKS ! YEAAYYYYY !!


And bout my face pulak my dad yang tegur dia suruh I pakai this one cream sebab dia kata I ni mcm tak ada concious nak jaga muka dah la muka rentung tapi tak reti nak jaga kann so I pakai je laa annndddd IT WORKS TOO !! So from muka macam orang half rentung, I jadi laa macam ni,

This is the happy faces when I was in form five. This is me when I was seventeen with my beloved friends yang I couldnt see them during this hols atas sebab sebab yang tak dapat dielakkan so terpaksa postpone plan ke Langkawi, tak pe girls, next time !


This is when I was seventeen too. Jamuan raya at my school. See, the faces, happy and fair. And yeah, I like it. I was truly happy at that time. You see the smiles ? It is all sincere and macam from the heart. I miss smiling like this. I rasa sekarang I fake laa, dah la fake, and it shows pulak tuu.

But, nak kurus and be fair ni tak senang pun, susah okeyy. Waktu when I first started using the cream, and I pakai bedak at the same time, people call me KELABU so you know, I've been hurted and kena EJEK macam hape je.

And I was sixteen at the that time, being sixteen and people been making fun to you like that, it was harsh and it gives you scars deep down inside bila kena kutuk kutuk and what hurts more, orang yang tah siapa siapa the person you never mess with pun kutuk sekali apa hal kannn ?

But, that what gave me strength, I have my friends with me. They supported me and always been there with me. So saya tak kisah laahh orang nak kata kata I ni. Like, macam kuman je even yang kutuk tu gedabak macam gajah but still laa kata kata mereka tu I anggap macam kuman hama je like tak ada efek je, just gatal gatal sikit je.

Tapi, even I muka macam tu dulu, I market okeyy, muka boyfriend time tu pun hensem youuu macam Jit Murad time muda muda. Hensemmmm okeyyyyyy. Sampai pernah ada kawan tu cakap,

"Kau nampak je Belle macam tu, tapi boyfriend dia hensemmm !"

Seee, SIAPA KATA ORANG GEMUK BESAR DAN HITAM MACAM I DULU TAK BOLEH DAPAT BOYFRIEND HANDSOME HAAAAAAAA ????

And dulu pun, I think I yang start ngorat dulu, betapaaa la tinggi self esteem tak padan dengan muka rentung. HUAAA ! ME WANT MY SELF ESTEEM BACCCKKKK !

But now, even my appearances have been wayyyy much better that when I was young, I rasa I dah tak macam dulu. My self esteem dah tak sekuat dulu. I always worry about my weight, always worry about what people would think of me, about my dresses, and stuffs. Kalau dulu tak kisah pun, I just do what I wanna do.

I miss being my GEMUK HITAM DAN BESAR. I guess half of my self esteem and confidence dah hilang together with my weight and my melanins so yang left ni ada self doubt je.

And the smiles, to smile again like those days, entah bilaa la kan. But for me, sebenarnya makin kita besar, kita akan makin lawa and we learn how to appreaciate ourselves kann ?

Tapi even sekarang I dah masuk U, and my appearance, the way I dressed myslef dah wayyy better dari dulu, I still encountered orang yang cetek fikiran especially from guys laaa yang nak kawan pun dengan budak-budak cantik je, kalau buat jokes pun, buat jokes with people yang ada pretty faces je. Orang yang still half gemuk, half hitam, and half besar macam I ni tak de nye mereka nak tegur.

Kita senyum ikhlas pun dia senyum acuh tak acuh je kan. Apatah lagi nak buat jokes or sembang or just tegur kita.

But what to do laa kan, human beings dah nature mereka tak perfect kita layankan aje laaa nak marah, we sendiri pun tak perfect, right ?

So, girls out there yang pernah jadi GEMUK HITAM DAN BESAR macam I yang kena teased dahsyat dahsyat tuu don't hate your childhood, you guys maybe tak sedar but with their teasing tu, you've built emotional strength yang sangat kuat oke, and at least you should learn how to stand up for yourself.

DON'T LET PEOPLE BULLY YOU !!

So, after those years, so this is me now. Happy with my family yang always there, I have friends yang I VERY LOVE and they always the people I could count on, I have my darling yang care, I could say I have almost everything and shallow human beings yang rupalistik ni just tambah perisa je.

See, I tak lah kurus, but I love the way I am now, kalau bagi tukar pun InsyAllah I tak nak.

Tak pe laaah kalau tak kurus, janji kitaa sehat kann ? And hati mauu baek okeeyyy, jangan pandang luaran je, tu semua nak kaburkan mataa je but kalau you encountered orang yang pandang luaran je nii you buat dono je laa bukan semua orang baekkk.

Awak tu pun baek sangat ke ? Haa pikir sendiri oke.

Okay, so babies, love yourself okay, and remember, to always stand up for youselves !! Jangan biar you alls dibuliii !

OH ONE THING ; I TAK DAPAT PUN NATIONAL SERVICES. HEHE TAK PE LAH AT LEAST I DAPAT BUANG BERAT BADAANN.

Ahahhaha okey matii laaaa baru I perasan post ni panjang gilaaaaaaaaa siaa.

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9 comments:

Tam said...

hai :D

syud said...

hehe..it's good to reminisce childhood days =)..

Half said...

eh, apsal nama aku ada? hahahha

mireya said...

Tam: zzzzz :P

Syud : haha righhtttt ??

Half : mengutuk secara x langsug sebenarnye tuu :P

-miyn- said...

hi mira!

its been a looooooooooong time kan.

saya suka post ini! walaupun panjang saya suka! i agree with every single word in it :)

ur beautiful though, coz u walk with confident. aku rasa, kalau org tu lawa tp jln ngek ngek x cantik jugak~

mireya said...

hai miyn ! yep very true ! tapi pape puun,hati mau bersihh, tu yang pentingg tuu. :)

mimiyana said...

belle!! ak sukeeeeeeeeeeeeee sgt2 post nie!! but still perasaan nk kurus 2 x kuat lagik. haha

p/s: i also looooooooooooooove the post kt bimbo 2 tp x smpt nk komen. hehe. so tmpg2 komen kt cni. i miss us too!! huhu

mimiyana said...

belle!! ak sukeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee sgt sgt sgt post neh. but still perasaan nk kurus 2 x bape kuat lagik. hehe

p/s: i also looooooooooooooove d post kt bimbo 2. x smpt nk komen. so tmpg kt cni pon jadik la. i miss us too!! huhu

mireya said...

i miss us very very much !!!! sobs ! hee mi rajin nye baca pjg2 ni ! ala nnt intern kompem kau lose weight laaa pastu mst sgt cun !