Tadi, I dapat berita sedih. Someone died. She was my mother's colleague. Waktu ibu saya balik rumah, I could see she was crying. Like, crying hard.
So I was thinking, what if I died ? Ada tak orang akan menangis the way my mother cried for her friend ? Ada tak orang akan sedih kalau saya mati ? Ada tak orang peduli kalau saya mati ?
And then it hits me.
Dulu, saya rasa those yang cakap "I dont want anyone to cry for me when I'm gone," are those people yang pelik and kinda stupid sebab why you don't want people to cry for your death ? I want people to cry on my death I want them to feel devastated upon hearing my death. It would be meaningful kot kalau ada orang menangis for you. It means that you meant something for them, you gave reasons for them to cry on, meaningful reasons.
But now, I think kalau saya mati sekarang pun, saya tak nak ada orang menangis. It won't be fun. Saya tak nak my death bring sorrow to anyone. I mean, tak payah kut menangis, kalau boleh I want people to greet my death with indifference expressions like,
"Oh, Mira was dead ? Innalillah, al-Fatihah,"
Macam tu would be better. And if my spirit happens to be lingering around for some period of time, I would be very please seeing people greet my death calmly, without tears, or any sobbing.
And, lagi satu, the condolence on facebook, I rasa kalau I mati benda paling terkilan is I would not known what people could have written on my facebook wall, all the condolences, macam mana I nak log in kalau saya dah mati ? Macam mana saya nak tahu ?
Sometimes, saya rasa rugi betul sebab tak dapat baca facebook wall kalau dah mati. Cause sometimes, people would appreciate you more kalau you dah mati. Time tu lah segala ucapan mengenang budi, mintak maaf, and mengimbau memori punya ucapan akan ditulis kat situ. And yes, I really want to know what people would write on my wall kalau saya dah mati.
But since I think spirit can't log in from the other world, I think it would be a waste. So, mark this especially to the girlfriends yang tahu my password, kalau saya mati, deactivate my facebook. HAHA sebab nanti I frust tak dapat baca what you guys would write on my wall.
Seriously, no kidding.
Tapi the thing I worried most beside what to answer in alam barzakh is, have I done anything meaningful to people ? Something pleasant to be remembered, bukan benda yang menyakitkan hati which I believe more than my good deeds. Do my existence contributes enough to people around me ? To my families, my friends, my surroundings ? I think the answer is not.
Kadang-kadang I boleh imagine orang cakap macam ni "Ha ? Pompuan tu dah mati ? Good for her then hidup menyusahkan orang je oh and she must died a terrible death kan ? Baguusss baguusss" gilaa saiko macam drama swasta tapi seriously I rasa macam tu sebab I tak pernah rasa I'm a good person, nak berubah pun I tak reti huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu I'm so sad and pathetic.
Tapi, sementara hayat I masih ada, I hope there'll still be chances for me to make things right. And let us all hope that we will be given chances to do deeds on this Earth, untuk buat baik and kumpul pahala banyak banyak kan ? Apa pun, kita akan kembali pada-Nya, and He'd judge us based on what we did.
After all, I just want to be remembered for the good memories when I'm gone, who doesn't, right ?
So, guys mari sedekahkan al-Fatihah kepada mereka yang telah pergi meninggalkan kita. Semoga roh mereka dicucuri rahmat.