Thursday, October 13, 2011

Bimbo Confession : FAT & HATING IT.

(any post under bimbo confession tags is meant to be dramatic, and overreacting)

It's official.

I have a belly of five months pregnant woman.


I honestly don't know how the hell it's even possible! I don't cook, so there's no way I could eat all the time except the bread and the nutella (darn you deliciously evil chocolate with nuts!).

But, before that I don't eat that much pun. Honestly, last Tuesday while I was accompanying my mom to buy her tudung in her friend's boutique, I went to weight myself by using the scale there and the result really make me scream. Literally. I did scream in the boutique unintentionally.

And now I feel like I have no love for myself.

I don't want to hate myself but I do.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm depressed.

If a genie appears in front of me right now, all I want to ask him is,

"I wanna lose another 10 kilos, and not gain a single gram for forever"

Seriously. And I know this is what all women wanted more than everything in the world. To be able to eat, and not gain a single gram.

I had enough with pep talk of telling me to be myself and be comfortable with what I really am. Honestly dude, you never know how is it to feel fat and fat. (I want to say ugly, but that's harsh, I don't consider myself ugly because I'm that vain)

When I walked in to mall, or boutique to buy clothes, they all looked good for someone with a figure of S-size lady. Or somewhat thin. The thin girls, they usually could wear and look good in every clothes they put on their body. But as for someone like me, nah, the clothes only look good in my imagination of my own perfect body, not my real body.

Before this, I only need to lose 2-3 kilos to have my ideal body. But now, I need to lose like 7-8 kilos to have that ideal body. YES, THAT'S HOW MUCH I HAVE GAINED.

I don't want to go to the diet phase again. It's impossible. I can't diet since I have gastric thanks to my previous diet program. I don't want to hurt my belly anymore, it was hurted enough.

And I'm afraid to do exercises because I don't believe myself would be able to sustain the program for long. it might lasted for a couple weeks and I believe I would put an end to the program myself. And we all know what would happen if you stop an exercise program abruptly. You would weight more than you'd ever weight before.

And that's definitely one of my nightmare.

But I am also refused to try any specific medication that is believed would help me lose weight. I refused to take in any harmful chemical substances that I don't even know what it's effects would be to my body. I love my body even I sounded like I don't.

Oh God, it seems like I need to accept my destiny. That I'm not destined to have the body that I wanted so much. That I would be trapped in this chubby figure that would lead to fatness forever.

Screw looking confident. I can't be confidence when all that I'm feeling is fat.

I wanna be able to wear my clothes. I have bought a few clothes that looked good on me during my 'weight reducing' days. I have a full blast confident and I was happy with myself and I love myself more than anything in the world.

But now, it's all history. I have to wear the same clothes for my every outing since the lovely clothes couldn't fit me anymore.

I want to wear my clothes. They are my clothes. I don't want them to just rot in the closet waiting for me to wear them.

I know this post is pointless, and my ranting sounds bimbo-ish but whatever, I need to let it out. I'm sad, and depressed, and I just want to lost weight.

I'm not aiming for being thin, I just want to lose 10 kilos of fat to have my perfect ideal body.

Oh okay now I feel like weeping around, wallow, and feel sorry for my unfortunate self.


Aisyah Radzuan said...

I feel you, missy. I feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel you.

mireya said...

Kaaaannn? Bila doa untuk menjadi kurus nak makbul niiii???